Chanyeol – Monster keywords: Reminiscence, Inevitability, Triviality
What is the earliest memory you have?
I think around three-years-old? When I was four-years-old? That’s when I was a really small kid, one that couldn’t even speak (tn: form sentences) This memory of mine isn’t a particularly special moment, but it really unforgettable. At that time my dad, mum, sister, and I all went to the amusement park as a family and went on rides, I went on a small panda-looking ride. Back then my noona was around seven-years-old she was also very small. I held hands with her toward the rides. And then noona asked the ride attendant “Can we ride this?” The attendant was very kind, and helped us take our seats.
(That’s) really detailed
Yes. My memory is quite good. (I) can’t say that my memory is good, the thing I find weird is that I never delete photos and messages in my phone. I still have the phones I used in elementary and middle school at home, also still with the messages and photos from back then. Just like this, I am kind of someone who would give special significance to certain things. For example, when I’m playing on the phone and accidentally took a photo from pressing the wrong buttons, even then I wouldn’t delete any photos. I can recall all the details. A message (I) received from a friend 10 years ago, after seeing those messages I would remember all the related memories. Sometimes when I go home, I could read through these messages all till next morning while lying on my bed. It’s not that I want to go back to that time, (I am) just reminiscing on that time, (I would think) oh, so that’s how I use to live, something like that happened back then, it’s interesting to think like that.
Past, present, future; which do you prioritise more?
Present. I think the past is the past, present makes the future, my life now is the present. I feel the past is a foundation that can create a beautiful future, and to create an even more beautiful future relies on the present. Looking back on the past that was unhappy, the present is a time for correction. Correcting the unhappy parts in the present, will enable the ability to create a beautiful future. So I think the present is most important.
What is your dream in the future?
To be stable and be able to care for everyone, and also receive everyone’s care in the future. It may not be very realistic, but can still be realised. -laughs-
(Do you) believe in chance, or believe in destiny?
I guess I count as someone who believes in the inevitable. I really want to say this frankly, anyway, this thing called chance… mm, I think chance is also a kind of result from the inevitable. For example, I went to Rodeo Fashion Street, (and) Sehun also went to Rodeo Fashion Street, this is chance, but from viewing results we will inevitably meet. I know why (I) believe in the inevitable, the world must hold chance(s), but I believe in the inevitable more.
Any experiences that broadened your horizons? When did it occur?
I feel it was after (I) debuted. Before debuting I was a frog beneath a well (tn: a restricted view of the sky/open world, a limited outlook), after debuting, beginning official activities, I personally experienced more. I felt my weaknesses and shortcomings, felt that I still have a long way to go, and also discovered that there are all kinds of people in the world, more than I have imagined. It’s hard to mention a specific moment, overall (I’m) not sure when, (but I) suddenly realised this point (tn: came to an epiphany)
What changes occurred after (your) horizons were broadened?
Shortly after feeling this (epiphany), I MC’d a music show, (and) suffered a lot of criticism. Back then I received a huge shock. When going onto a show I don’t purposely pretend to maintain a certain image, (I am) rather fluid/random. But my image is usually more honest. However after doing that show my image went through some small changes. Since then my heart’s endurance become really strong. Now, (I) don’t care much about another’s ridicule. I can then continue making the music I like even more fluidly. Thus minimising the opportunity of mercy. Even more so because I prepare my thoughts beforehand. Before considering others, (we) need to first think of the self, after preparing these thought preparations, (I) felt my life was more happy, as if it has come to fruition.
Do you consider yourself to be a consistent person?
I am a person who is closer to being consistent (than not). I am a stubborn person, and usually like to work along what was planned. A person who doesn’t want to change the work plan after lining up future work and setting my heart to doing them.
When do you feel you are most like yourself?
Firstly it’s when I’m doing what I want to do most. What I want to do most is composition arrangement. Or when I’m with my best friends; When I’m with a lot of people, I don’t usually let loose my true self. When (I’m) with a lot of people, (I) would possess the persona of one who pokes fun. But when I’m with few people, or when I’m with best friends, (we) would chat seriously, and I don’t speak too much. When there are many people around, or when filming (I) would be really playful, but as it’s like this everyday, (I) would be more quiet when it’s not necessary (to be playful), and have some me-time.
Do you like specificity or vagueness?
I like specificity. When I’m working I also like to cut the Gordian knot (tn: make lightning decisions) and complete the tasks, so usually I like to develop plans, (and) come up with multiple options.
When developing plans, is there a particular standard?
If a lot of combined manpower is required, (I) would choose the plan that provides convenience to the majority. If it’s something done on my own, I would adjust the schedule according to my thoughts. So, it’s flexible?
What intangible thing has the most value?
Love. A package filled with the sense of love. This includes love between lovers, love from parents. As long as there is love, I will do anything. I study music diligently, compose songs, I do all of this because I love music. I’m speaking of love in a broad sense. For example, Everyone needs money, needs to make money. But (if you) don’t love your work you will never find happiness in it. Using myself as an example, the things I do now I feel are definitely not simple tasks. But because I am passionate about my work, so I won’t feel too big of a pressure. In essence, People need to find what makes the self happy, work that brings yourself joy, and this kind of happiness and joy stems from love.
(Do you) feel pressured by others’ expectations? How to relieve the pressure?
Yes, a lot. It is still okay at the moment, (but) before, (I) really wanted recognition from fans and those around me, (when) this desire grows too big, (you feel that) everything has to be done the best way, to please others. But, the pressure felt then was too much, to the point when things weren’t done well when they could’ve been, so now (I’ve) switched up the perspective, and compose freely. I feel it is enough for myself to be happy, but when (I’ve) just changed my perspective (I) was still weary of what people around thought. So try to relieve (yourself) from this thought, at least when I’m pondering alone I try to avoid these thoughts. And then recently since about 2-3 months ago (I) began to try minimising things to worry about, do things the way I want to. Before there were problems that (you) can’t help but think of, for example ‘should do it like this’, ‘should do it like this’, ‘how does this work’, ‘what should I do now that it’s become like this’ etc. It’s different now, I rest when I want to rest, do when I want to do, play when I want to play. It’s also like this when composing, before (I) wanted to produce something that everyone would like, things to worry about increased as a result, (and I) constantly felt restricted when trying to compose, and can’t write anything. It’s not like this now, now I can compose the songs I want, song I like, songs I’m happy with. (There’s) no need to let everyone listen to my songs, and as a result it is more relaxing now. Before there weren’t any finished compositions, (but) now as long as I’ve begun I can complete it quickly.
What is your greatest fear?
When people around leave; not an eternal parting, (but) a gradual distancing, (when) they are the people I like most. I’m really afraid of the instance when a person I like feels distant. I have a personality that regularly feels lonely, (you) could say I’m a passionate person, so I don’t like being estranged to my close friends. If I had a really serious argument with someone I’ve known for a long time, share a deep bond with, and they left me, returning to how it was before (I knew them), I would feel incredibly distressed. I am someone who would calm down after being angry for 3-4 minutes, but if we become estranged after an argument, I would really regret it, so in usual circumstances (I) wouldn’t lash out (my) anger, try not to fight. Not the type where you’re thinking ‘I just keep enduring!’, but to try and think more simply, more light-heartedly, and not blame each other. Sometimes there are instances where people become distant as they change, and this is even more sorrowful, because I knew their past. Sometimes it feels this is something that has to be, but there are also times when it feels you could find what was originally there.
Is there a time when you suddenly felt that the people you know feel unfamiliar?
When I change my tone. Some would view these as stingy, there will also be people who view it as attentive. But I am someone who is quite sensitive to small things. For example, when chatting on the phone and the person (I’m chatting with) suddenly changes their tone, I will think ‘was anything I did that made them mad?’ When bringing out something I’ve never seen, an unexpected persona, I won’t feel awkward or unfamiliar, (I) would acknowledge these changes quickly. In short, the smaller the detail the larger my acceptance.
Do you feel that a person’s change is mainly due to internal influences, or external influences?
(I) basically think it is caused by external influences. This is a topic I often talk about with my friends, it’s like good-nature and evil-nature. Although (I) can’t say this is the correct answer, but I still think there are more scenarios where the cause is external influences! I personally am easily influenced by external factors. If hanging with bad people, everyday, I might subconsciously mirror their actions and language, I would (then) be I’ve become bad (as well). On the contrary if I hang out with good people, I would learn from them, they may do things that I don’t want to do, but I can change my mind and follow what they are doing. If this continues, a person’s entire personality would change. A person’s usual actions would change a lifestyle and personality, so I feel the effectiveness of external influences are greater.
Trans © chanyeol-and-netz